she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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