I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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