he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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