Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Randomize
