Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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