So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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