I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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