i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
