My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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