You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
