I am spending my child support on dildos
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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