ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
