Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize