i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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