so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
