I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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