I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
