Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
