You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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