I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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