Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
