filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize