she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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