easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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