Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
