She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
