Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
