so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
