plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
