i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
