when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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