My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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