I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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