she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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