She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
