Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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