You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
