dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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