He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
