My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
