You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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