The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
