I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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