The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
