bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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