It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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