Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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