Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
