So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
