Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My vagina just recognized that song.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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