were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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