You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
