bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize