If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
