dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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